Study: Using ‘Pertinent’ Correlates to Being ‘Asshole’

Study confirms: Use of ‘pertinent’ and phrase ‘pertinent information’ strongly correlated with  ‘Asshole’ population.

Vancouver, BC – In a landmark study aimed at correlating word usage with human behavior, researchers from the University of British Columbia confirmed that those who fall into the “Asshole” category are strongly linked to pertinent.

“We tracked the words most frequently used by those we determined to be Assholes,” explained Dr. Pat Gregory, chief researcher in the study, “Words often used by Assholes included “retard,” “cunt,” and “vis-a-vis,” and while many of these words were said with greater frequency, “pertinent” was the most strongly correlated with being an Asshole.”

The study found that Non-Assholes don’t tend to use pertinent, but Dr. Gregory was quick to point out the difference between correlation and causation.

“If you use the word pertinent, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re automatically an Asshole. It’s only if and when you’re an Asshole that pertinent becomes, well, pertinent.”

Among the Asshole group, top phrases containing the word pertinent included, “How is that pertinent?” “I fail to see how that’s pertinent,” and “I suppose you think that’s pertinent.”

The study revealed that, when used by Assholes, pertinent was most frequently paired with information, as in “pertinent information” or “you need to include the pertinent information.”

Dr. Gregory explained: “Within the Bureaucratic Asshole community, which is a large contingent of the Asshole population, the phrase “pertinent information” is very popular.”

When asked if “pertinent information” was popular among Assholes due to their lack of understanding about what is truly “pertinent” to any given situation or human interaction, Dr. Gregory said, “It’s too early to confirm that, but it’s entirely possible.”

Unlike past studies, which simply released Asshole participants, UBC aims to funnel Assholes into a counseling program to remediate their behavior and vocabularies. Central to that goal is helping Assholes understand essential differences between dehumanizing and humanizing elements of interpersonal communication.

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