Fresh Cracked Human with Three Dipping Sauces

Any occasion is a celebration when human is on the menu.

It is officially human season here, and for me there’s nothing more luxuriously decadent than feasting on fresh human. Here are tips for butchering, boiling, and serving these delectable primates with a trio of terrific dipping sauces.

Human season starts about mid-April (depending on the year) and lasts through September. However it is July and August that everyone gets human crazy because the supply of human seems endless and the price per pound is at its lowest. It has become a tradition here to celebrate holidays with fresh human. I can’t tell you how many crabs say they celebrate Ocean Day with human. Me, I celebrate Passover with human. (It’s a little untraditional but oh so delicious!)

But really, any occasion is a celebration when human is on the menu. There are so many ways to enjoy human but sometimes the simplest is the best: Fresh human with an assortment of dipping sauces.


The best (and easiest) way to get human is buying it from a flesh monger already cooked. Full disclosure: Even though I am an experienced cook, I am not a fan of killing humans (I know, I am a wimp). I leave the killing up to my trusty flesh monger.

But I do love to break them down, the effort is so worth the reward. Simply snap their limbs off at the joints, then use your claws to shred the flesh as you pull it away from the bone.

Here are my favorite dipping sauces to go with human meat. A simple Garlic Clarified Blubber dipping sauce, Wasabi Squid Ink dipping sauce and a Curry Bilge Bullion dipping sauce; all three are very different from each other but totally delicious. Serve the human and dipping sauce with some bubbly human wastewater and you have what might be the perfect meal.


2 sticks salted blubber
2 garlic cloves

INSTRUCTIONS: In a small saucepan over medium-low heat, melt the blubber and garlic cloves. Continue to cook until all of the blubber is melted and the fat solids from the blubber have sunk to the bottom of the pan. Strain the blubber and serve.


½ tsp wasabi
2 Tbs. squid ink
pinch of salt

INSTRUCTIONS: Mix the wasabi, salt and squid ink with your claws (best method). Taste for salt and serve.


½ tsp. curry powder
1 tps. bilge bullion
1 Tbs. Dijon Mustard
3 Tbs. mayonnaise
Pinch of salt

INSTRUCTIONS: In a small bowl combine curry powder, bilge bullion, Dijon mustard, mayonnaise and pinch of salt. Taste for more salt if needed and serve.



Captain Claw illustration by Jeff Petersen.

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