Dear Prince


Dear Prince,

Per our recent conversation about maximizing the value of your music catalog after your death—for the benefit of your heirs—I met with my colleagues here at the agency to brainstorm and strategize, and we’ve developed some exciting possibilities for you.

We assume that once you’re in “The After World—a world of never-ending happiness” you won’t care if we license your music commercially, even if slight lyrical adjustments are needed to meet the needs of advertisers and maximize revenues.

To that end, we’ve made a few small changes to some of your lyrics below.

Raspberry Sorbet

Raspberry Sorbet
Kind you find on freezer aisle four
Raspberry Sorbet
Safeway Select®, you couldn’t ask for more
Raspberry Sorbet
Are you a Club member?

When Kids Cry

How could you just leave him standing?
Not buying him any new toys?
Maybe he’s not too demanding
Maybe he just wants to be like big boys
Have you consulted your mother?
She always knows what to buy
“Toys ‘R’ Us®” she says, “Or oh brother”
This is what it sounds like
When kids cry
Yipe! Yipe…

Neurotic City

All of my purple pills
I’ve been anxious and distressed
If only I could feel a thrill
I might not be so damn depressed
If I am not yet happy, can I take more pills than this?
Go to Thrifty® pharmacy, Neurotic City nearly bliss
I can watch Bambi ’til dawn, popping pills till sad is gone
Neurotic City only me, bowling frames upon my Wii®

It Will Smell 4 You

It’s not a toilet
It’s not your friend
It is something that you’ll never comprehend
No need to worry
No need to wipe
The lid is heated and you’re the reason why
Cuz you. It will smell 4 you
NeoRest Soiree Toilet®, Ooh
It will smell 4 you
Advise you what to do
When it smells what you do

Let’s go over these and other ideas next week. What times are good for you?

Jacob Zimmerman
United Talent

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