Me and my girlfriend stayed at a nice hotel recently, but she got upset when I used her hair conditioner as a personal lubricant. I guess it’s expensive, and why should I be doing that when she’s there? Anyway, she asked me who I was thinking about, and I made the mistake of being honest. One time I brought my ex-girlfriend to the same hotel and I was thinking about that. Now she hasn’t talked to me for three days and I’m starting to worry we might not recover from this.
—In Hot Water
Conditioners are expensive, aren’t they? I recommend Dr. Bronner’s Pure Castile Soap—diluted obviously. Do not use that stuff full strength!
Generally speaking, it’s a bad idea to tell your girlfriend about your sexual exploits with ex-girlfriends in the same space in which said exploits happened.
Have you ever watched a football game and some guy on the losing team says, “We beat ourselves.” That’s what happened here. You beat yourself, man. Literally and figuratively.
So you need to reestablish your significant other’s position as the prime object of your desire. It has to be done in the bedroom, you know what I mean? Flowers and cards and crap won’t cut it. Sentiment is mostly pointless at this time.
Don’t rush it. Don’t try to go from 0 to reconciliation too fast. However, make your desire for her very clear. When you get the green light, then…
At some point, I recommend you both go to a new hotel and make it yours. Leave no doubt.
The other day we had BBQ with friends and my wife tells me (in front of everyone) “The next time you wanna have a BBQ, you need to do more than cook the meat and leave the rest of the work for me!”
So I got upset and called her a C word. Kinda in the dog house now.
—Stuck in the C Suite
You can only use the C word if you’re British, Australian, or Kiwi—and even then, only if you’re referring to another man.
Your wife is right. One must do more than cook the meat. And yeah, maybe it wasn’t okay for her to wait until the event to vent, but other than that, this mess is on your chef’s apron, so grab a moist towelette and clean it up. Apply apologies liberally to affected area. Then, at your next BBQ, step up your game and blow her mind by massaging the kale.