I’m really into dolphins. I mean, I have dolphin crystals, a dolphin wind chime, dolphin dining room chairs… the thing is, I just learned something about dolphins that I find really disturbing. The bodies of snorkelers are being found dead in sea caves after having been raped to death by dolphins. So now, all my dolphin paraphernalia is like a real bummer. What’s a dolphin lover to do? —Dolphin Doldrums
Perhaps the universe gave certain dolphins special permission to, like, adjudicate the karma of certain individuals?
We do know that everyone suffers in his own way, man. For these snorkelers, it was dying in a Disney movie gone horribly wrong. For you, it’s staring at a velvet undersea landscape painting filled with dolphins that you used to find innocent and charming. Okay.
In the painting, are the dolphins emitting beautiful glowing sonar waves of light? Do you now see those waves as sinister communications? “I just marked the guy from Chicago.” Your mind has changed your perception of the painting, man.
Remember, it’s still the same velvet, okay? It’s really our minds that are the darkest undersea cave of all. Like the old song says: let the sun shine in.
I watched a documentary about Whirling Dervishes in Turkey and really got into the idea of achieving transcendental states by whirling around and stuff. Like, by getting “disoriented” to life maybe I could get re-oriented to myself, you know? And that was totally what was happening until I fell off my second story balcony. Doctor says I knocked some crystals loose in my inner ear or something. So now I have this balance disorder. Like I can’t walk down the hallway without falling from one side to the other. So, um, now what? —Out of Balance, Seriously
As you literally stumble down the hallways of life, know that you are on the path of enlightenment, man.
The crystals your doctor speaks of are real. They are inside your inner ear. In time your body will probably absorb these crystals that have been knocked loose by your fall and you may regain your sense of balance. You know, hopefully.
Until then, seize this opportunity to transmute your suffering and use one of your disability checks to buy a plane ticket to Turkey where you can learn how to whirl properly from a professional dervish. There’s no substitute for a great teacher.
Also, I know a guy with some soothing dolphin crystals that he may be willing to part with, and if you hold them on your ears, it probably couldn’t hurt.