LOS ANGELES — In a cruel twist of fate, Californians who spend billions every year on silver metallic spinners, diamond chrome lips, and gold-finished rims are now being asked by the State to stop washing their cars to conserve all-too-precious water during the state’s severe drought.
“Damn,” said Tommy Hwang, who last summer spent over $2,000 per wheel on a set of custom rare-earth metal rims for his Honda Civic. “It’s like, where is my reward? What was all the hard work for?”
Beverly Hills realtor Bob Goldwater echoed sentiments expressed by many custom rim owners. “My car had old-man rims, okay? And these alloy rims made me feel young again. Now look at them. How do I feel? Old. I feel old.”
“What has this wold come to?” asked Hugh McDonald, owner of a custom rim shop in Orange County. “A lot of us are saying ‘Screw it, I’m washing my car. I don’t care if the whole world burns, some things are worth dying for!’”
None of the custom rim owners interviewed was aware of the severity of California’s drought. In fact, 72% could not find the Colorado or Sacramento River deltas on a map. However, 100% could provide detailed directions to the nearest car wash.
“I don’t know about you, but I’m getting ready,” explained Terry Wagoner over a chili-cheese dog at a drive-in restaurant on Beverly Boulevard. “I’m all stocked up on chrome polish, tire dressing, you name it. Just as soon as this drought ends, my ride is gonna be sweet. I can’t wait. Any year now.”