Babyboomer Seeks Younger Renter

About the Property

  • This is the downstairs unit. I live upstairs.
  • Your rent covers my mortgage and then some! Hey, we all have living expenses.
  • Okay, so my space is much nicer than yours, but your space was never really meant to be an apartment. It’s more of a converted storage area, really.
  • Yeah, I bought this place years ago for so little it would make you laugh and cry at the same time! Someone told me you can look up the last purchase price on the Internet, I don’t know, I’m not that great with computers to be honest.
  • When I die, my kids will inherit the place and evict you.
  • I have three small dogs. Sometimes I accidentally leave the door open that separates our units, and they run through your apartment barking up a storm! Just send them back upstairs, thanks.
  • Oh, there’s a closet in your unit that I still use for personal storage. Technically it’s in your space, but this is my house.
  • You’re allowed to use the driveway to park as long as you promptly move your car when I wish to leave.
  • I don’t really believe in all this climate change mumbo jumbo, but just in case, I put a waterproof seal around the door at the top of the stairs. I mention this in case your unit floods and you need to evacuate. You can’t get up here from there.

About Me

  • Born in the most economically advantaged generation of all time.
  • My parents did everything they could to make sure I had a good start in life—including helping me with the downpayment on this place.
  • I grew up and realized that the New Deal they believed in was really communism. So I voted for neoliberal policies that served my self-interest, like capping my property taxes, restricting new housing development, banning rent control, etc. Every man for himself—that’s my motto!
  • Sometimes they accidentally deliver my Wall Street Journal to your door. Just bring it back to my place, thanks.
  • I like to believe my generation is leaving the world a better place.
  • Any needed repairs to your unit are performed by me while stoned.

About You

  • College grad with never-ending massive debt.
  • No hope of ever being an “owner.”
  • Don’t mind hearing CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP as I walk across the floor above your head.
  • When you hear me laugh upstairs, don’t infer I’m laughing at you, which of course I AM!
  • Pay rent on-time. Every time.
  • I’m willing to consider you having 1 kid, but only if quiet. Word to the wise: The neighborhood school really went downhill since my kids went there. Not sure why.
  • I hope you enjoy “The Star Spangled Banner” by Jimi Hendrix because I play it every morning. Dogs may run through house barking during guitar solo, be prepared.
  • No pets. If you have a dog already, I know a guy who does in-home euthanizing. Really nice guy.
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